A necessary detour...
I need your undivided attention - I ask that you bear witness & respond.
Sound Ancestors Studio Session 2 is slated for January 28th. We will be focusing on the role that creativity and ancestral connection play in ritualizing radical imagination and why it is an essential technology right now. 9 creators will be able to attend this 40-minute container and it is still donation-based. 7 spots are still available. It will not be recorded, but you will receive a follow-up email afterward if you sign up and miss the session. Get your tickets here.
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Peace, reader ✌🏿
I hope ya’ll brought in 2024 rested, supported, and wrapped in love. I decided to usher it in with vulnerability.
Can I tell you something?
Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out how to consistently write things that are compelling and valuable. Last year, I was resentful because the English class I took when I went back to college didn’t sharpen me as a writer. I aced the class, but wasn’t able to enjoy the achievement because the “teacher” phoned it in and I felt cheated - I’m someone whose most consistent source of income is my writing, yet I received no guidance or feedback that helped me improve my craft.
I’ve also been going through the process of figuring out how to curate the information I’m passing along to you in a way that is more engaging and visually interesting. I don’t quite have it worked out and I expect the process to continue at a somewhat slow pace - not because I’m dragging my feet on doing the work, but because creating unique, high-quality things takes time.
I’ve accepted that both these things I’m working to improve will not happen quickly. It will happen through slow, methodical effort, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. But it’s anxiety-inducing when I need to make money from what I’m doing with my life. I’m not the founder of a startup in Silicon Valley, it is hard to ask for money as I incrementally improve. It feels wrong to expect monetary support while I’m still in these stages. And yet, I do need the support.
In 2023, I stumbled upon
’s essays and fell down a rabbit hole filled with her piercing cultural criticism and openness regarding her life journey. And at one point, she talked about why she depends on her supporters for financial support. She has no brand deals or brand partnerships. She doesn’t advertise for anything or to anyone. She just writes, uncompromisingly, from her perspective and shares it with us. Without commodifying herself or pimping out her audience (no shade to the influencers moving with integrity, I swear). She’s brilliant and she’s making it while managing to help take care of other people materially as well.After so many years of trying to contort myself into something marketable, trying to plan content around hacking the algorithm, and dedicating hours to staying up to date on how creators needed to engage with social media to be “successful”, it felt like someone was finally telling me there was another way. One where I didn’t have to compromise my beliefs or run myself ragged, or turn my life into a content machine to be financed.
Deep down, I already knew this possibility existed. I have a lot of experience with crowdfunding for myself and other people. I’ve had people simply see that I had a need and give to me, expecting nothing in return. These were some of the darkest periods of my life. Times I never wanted to revisit, which is why I kept trying to turn myself into a business so that I wouldn’t have to be a charity case - even when I never really stopped needing support.
Sidenote: I’ve also had to remember, time and time again that there are certain things I am owed, specifically from non-Black people. Receiving anything from them is not charity, and as Tay Amari says in their podcast about Black Entitlement, it’s not even reparations. Those payments will never repair historic inequality and anti-blackness or the way it manifests in my material condition ancestrally, presently, and in the future. If what they gave doesn’t change the trajectory of their bloodline and mine, it’s not amending anything. Moreover, money doesn’t begin to address how much has been stolen from my lineages - there are many things the USD could never recover, it’s just one surface on a multi-layered subject. However, it is an important layer.
Here’s the reality: I’m a disabled single parent with very little income. My situation is not as dire as it once was, but it is very precarious and my support system isn’t strong enough or coordinated enough to provide me with any real security. Based on where I live and the state of my health, there are a lot of barriers that make it difficult for me to participate in society the way “normal” people do, especially when it comes to simple things like working a job or accessing fresh food. It is extremely difficult to be autonomous and build community effectively - I still manage to do both in some ways with the help of the support I do have and the choices I make. But me and my children's quality of life still suffers significantly based on how isolated and limited we are. While we are blessed in many ways and are fortunate to experience privileges now and then, this is still the day-to-day reality.
I *just* got myself to the point where I was physically and mentally well enough to be a remote student last year. Before that, I couldn’t even do remote work because I was barely eating, and the chronic pain I deal with kept me mostly bed-ridden. I also didn’t have a working computer until this past fall. It has taken years for me just to get to this point. Every day, I’m working to create things y’all value (enough to garner consistent financial support), looking for other work in the meantime, and fighting to stay alive as long as possible because there’s virtually no one I could trust to take care of my kids if I check out early.
As seriously as I take the mission of staying alive, I find myself trying to mentally prepare my children for the day I will no longer be here - trying to normalize that idea to them. Because I don’t know when things could take a turn for the worse. My doctors don’t seem to really understand what I’m dealing with, no matter how much I explain or how much information they have. And because various lifestyle things would have to change for me to have consistent wellness, it wouldn’t matter if they did - they can’t prescribe systemic oppression away. My kids and I depend on each other so much and while I love how close we are, there is no promise of a long future together. So I cherish every day with them, savoring each moment as I think about the children and families in countries where the forces that kill me slowly here finance bombs that demolish their homes and steal their lives abroad.
I think about the MOVE bombing that happened in Philly in 1985, to people who look and think like me. I think about the Detroit police officers who have killed Black children in my city with no repercussions and how they constantly surveil my neighborhood. I think about how little snow we’ve gotten this winter and the way gentrification may affect our ability to respond to climate catastrophes. I think about these things not fearfully, but knowing that I must prepare as much as I can. And knowing that I have so little to prepare with.
Donate to Niani’s GoFundMe and help them reach their goal before her funeral.
I put my creative energy toward building a world that my children will have futures in and share my revelations, the protocols I utilize, and the inspiration I find with y’all because, at so many points in my life, you guys have expressed that you value my perspective and the way I use words, through heartfelt written feedback or money or intentionally spending time with what I have created and shared with you all.
So I wonder: is it possible for me to be supported financially, based on the merit of my work without jumping through more hoops? Will I live long enough to see another piece of content I make go viral and will that be the one that actually meets a material need vs just being seen by millions of people borrowing my perspective like that guy from Get Out who wanted Chris’ eyes? Will I receive support in the spirit of solidarity vs charity, or was that just reserved for 2020 when non-Black people were awash with guilt that has conveniently faded, even though anti-Blackness is still as pervasive as it ever was?
Honestly, this isn’t a plea for donations or paid subscribers, I just want to know…could I be afforded the same kind of material support as Ismatu? Is it contingent on me being a better writer? As an artist and a person you share this digital environment with…what am I worth to you?
Thank you for writing this and sharing so vulnerably. I don't have any words to add, only that I agree with your questions and know you're worth all that you desire and more.
kamila, this made me cry. thank you for writing this, my heart feels it deeply.