Sound Ancestors Studio, Session 1 is on November 18th. Claim your spot if you haven’t already.
I arrived at the page today, not knowing what I wanted to say to you all. I just knew I needed to write — it is Mercury Day, after all. It’s the day after my birthday. I’m another year strong on this earth. Another year wiser from the experiences that have filled the last twelve months of my life. I’m much clearer about who I am and why I’m here. What I’m here to do in this moment, in this day and age. How my purposes connect to the rest of the multiverse. That feels really good. I feel that I have arrived at a birthday the way that I should — with new discoveries about who I am and better equipped for the journey ahead.
Though this journey is undoubtedly going not just straight ahead but also sideways, up, and zig-zagging down a bit. Such is the nature of a life that is layered and authentic. New experiments with grace have been on the agenda. I’m not sure if I am affording myself grace as much as I am more effectively shedding the notions of what I once thought was important enough to beat myself up over. Either way, I’m surviving and contributing to things that are greater than myself.
While there is always room for refinement, I just can’t seem to work up enough energy for shame when I am doing so many important things. I cannot downplay their importance, not even to spite myself. I would like for things to feel and look different, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am actively living my life consciously, presently, and lovingly. And I am continuously seeing the proof of that return to me.
But I think that because I am experiencing so much expansion, the standards for what fulfills me have changed. I can acknowledge the progress and achievement, yet I am not impressing myself. And now I suppose I have arrived at the point of this letter — why do I need to be impressed by myself?
I think I always want to feel like I am doing something that matters. So now that I am expanding, even when I see the proof that what I’m doing is leaving an impression on people, I need more. I need proof that is more impactful. I’m not satisfied with what’s in front of me. A lot of the posts on Walking the Path lately have included something about giving myself grace and in general, reassuring myself that I am doing enough. I believe in those moments, those things were true and necessary.
Now, I’m not sure what I need is reassurance or a perspective shift. I feel like this feeling is pushing me to grow in ways that I need to. In the back of my mind, I’m also trying to make sure I don’t get into an unhealthy space of chasing this never-ending sense of achievement. I’ve been on that wheel before and I don’t want to go back there. I want need to feel the beauty and the importance of simple, small things. There has to be balance.
So as I take on year 31, that is my overarching goal - to grow into myself and truly make myself proud…but not at the expense of my ability to appreciate the little things I make happen. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the word and concept of seeds. I not only feel like I am dispersing seeds that will grow into better futures, but I also am developing certain seeds from scratch. Planning and experimenting to understand the best way to cultivate their environment. Figuring out whose assistance is needed to help them live, grow, and thrive.
Sometimes we forget that such a tiny thing can need so much time, care, and attention, far before it blooms into anything “impressive”.
I’ll have to keep that in mind.